Still missing dad, five years on

As the fourth and fifth year passed in a blur of events, you are still dearly missed, Di.

This was a birthday card from me to dad

It is the start of 2021 and you will be pleased to know that mum is keeping well. She turned 88 in 2020 and is coping with her weak legs, aches and pains, and all the ailments that come with advancing age.

I often say, “There are no spare parts,” so we help mum to manage her discomfort with medicinal rubs, exercise, and massage therapies. With so much physical pain, now she feels comfortable when we wheel her about on the wheelchair.

In February 2020, we went to watch the award-winning movie, The Garden of Evening Mists, made into a film from a book by Malaysian novelist, Tan Twan Eng, that was first published in 2012.

Ready to enjoy watching the movie,
Garden of Evening Mists

I thought you would relate well with this historical drama because it was filmed at various sites in Pahang and Perak where the scenery reflected the beauty of Cameron Highlands in post-World War Two.

These are places you are familiar with because you grew up in Ipoh and spent your holidays with the Sung family, who were then based in Cameron Highlands.

We were glad to have caught it on the big screen (it was almost the last day for this show!) to better appreciate the panoramic views of the sweeping landscape scenes.

Incidentally, I watched this movie again when it was featured on the cable TV and a second viewing helped me better understand the story because the movie script differed slightly from the text in the book.

This movie outing was the last time we took mum out because by March 2020, the threat of the Covid19 pandemic had reached our shores and there was news about the nationwide lockdown and border closing between Malaysia and Singapore.

Mum enjoyed doing some gardening

Then in mid-March 2020, we received the sad news about the passing of grand-uncle Leong in Singapore. I know you and mum were close with grand-uncle and his wife, Lau Yee, and we did not hesitate to bring mum to his wake to pay our last respects.

Grand-uncle left peacefully at the ripe old age of 90 on March 13 and his funeral was arranged for March 17 when the border-closing between Malaysia and Singapore was scheduled to start from midnight on March 18.

While our relatives from the North had to cancel their travel plans into Singapore, Ruby and I managed to take mum across the causeway to attend the wake on March 16 and returned safely in a smooth drive.

At 9pm that same evening, the Malaysian Prime Minister announced the nationwide Movement Control Order (MCO), a lockdown that would start from March 18 to 31.

Your African daisies in bloom!

Our timing was perfect because on March 17, the border-crossing was simply chaotic as those employed in Singapore or who had family members in Johor, made their decisions to cross the causeway to stay in either country when the border closed on March 18.

While we initially imagined that the MCO would be implemented for just two weeks, the lockdown period was extended from time to time.

After the Movement Control Order (MCO) expired, the lockdown continued with the Conditional Movement Control Order (CMCO) that expired on June 9. Then we moved into the Recovery Movement Control Order (RMCO), a lockdown period until August 31 with less limitations.

Since March 18, many families have been separated on both sides of the causeway – for some 300 days and counting – while the border between the two countries remained closed in early 2021.

Your Dancing Ladies in bloom!

On April 4, we received another sad news that Granduncle Mak, in a Singapore nursing home, had passed peacefully. Due to the MCO in Malaysia and the Circuit Breaker in force in Singapore, only his immediate family could attend the funeral.

The Stay Home to Stay Safe concept was something new for many elderly folks who were used to their usual routines. It took some time to explain it to mum and as we showed her the daily news, she managed to grasp its seriousness.

Uncle Roland and his wife, Aunty Elizabeth, who were staying with cousin Philip during the lockdown, were however, struggling to cope with the Stay-Home restrictions.

Every now and then, I would receive a call from Philip who would air his rants about the challenges in coping with his father, who kept insisting on going back to Kota Tinggi.

Fresh durian for mum to enjoy!

Before the MCO, both uncle and aunty were unwell and admitted to the Kota Tinggi hospital as well as Hospital Sultan Ismail, several times for various ailments arising from old age. On May 14, Aunty passed peacefully due to complications due to diabetes.

Ruby and I supported the family through this bereavement, especially as there were strict rules to follow for wakes and funerals during the MCO. Mum was understandably, deeply affected by her passing.

We were thankful that mum gradually understood and accepted the “new normal” and adjusted to it by keeping herself busy at home, cooking, gardening, and watching Cantonese TV drama series in the evenings.

At the peak of the MCO, only one member of the family was permitted to go out and only for essential reasons like grocery shopping or medical aid. So, no prizes for the right guess, who had to do the grocery shopping…

Finally her pretty self again!

It was usually during breakfast that I would ask mum to tell me what items she needed, and I would write a list of what to get and from where. As you well know, she has her preferred choices of specific items to buy from which merchant, so I obeyed her every wish to meet with her requirements.

Interestingly, there were food ingredients like some types of preserved vegetables that mum would say only in Cantonese or Teochew dialect. I would then ask her to describe, just to learn what each item was – lest the merchant tried to sell me something else!

Mum would also describe the shape of the bottle or jar and the colour or picture on the label to help me find the specific item or sauce. It was indeed eye-opening for me to discover the ingredients that mum preferred from among the wide choices available in the market!

The Stay-Home experience was also good for me because I finally got down to tackling the long-overdue projects at home. I must confess that since you left us, it was just too difficult to deal with your stuff, Di.

Mum with her two younger
sisters, Polly [Left] and Sylvia
at mum's birthday in September

One of these tasks was to clear and dismantle the storage rack in the garage where you stored spare electrical wires, sockets, nuts and bolts, for “just in case” they may be useful again. You will be pleased to know that I gave it all away to one who would put your things to good use.

Another long overdue task was to declutter my wardrobe (!!). I did not know it then but looking back, I am glad I completed this project comfortably then because later in the year, this decluttering was one less task to do.

The storehouse was another space to declutter. I had the team from Yellow Box over to help collect the old newspapers, glass, paper and plastic that were accumulated, and had them all cleared out for recycling.

On June 10, hardly a month since the passing of his wife, Uncle Roland succumbed to his illness and passed peacefully at age 89. Thankfully, travel restrictions were relaxed for the RMCO and with inter-state travel opened, his siblings could come for his funeral and send-off.

It was already mid-June when we finally ventured further in search of fresh durian for mum to indulge her desire for The King of Fruits. This was indeed a timely treat for mum as she was strictly obeying the Stay-Home advice.

Meanwhile, mum and I have not had our regular haircuts since March and with our short hairstyles growing out of shape (Read: control), we kept our hair in place with the use of hairbands. Our much-needed haircuts were – to say the least – a major relieve.

When hairdressers could open again, I fixed an appointment for myself first. It was a by-appointment-only arrangement so I went for the first hairdressing experience since the MCO so that I could prepare mum, when she would go next to pretty herself again.

In early September, mum’s sisters and their spouses came to celebrate mum’s birthday. We had a low-key birthday dinner where we were compelled to sit apart according to physical distancing rules, even though we were within a private dining room (!!)

You and mum shared more than
fifty years together!

It was good to be together again, but we could not help feeling a tinge of sadness because thus far in 2020, four senior family members had left us due to old age and illness.

Then on September 12, we received sad news from the UK that Pearly’s father-in-law had also passed peacefully. Grandad Wallace’s passing brought the total number of family members who had left us in 2020, to five.

All this sadness impacted mum emotionally, but I was deeply concerned when she showed symptoms like shortness of breath and general physical discomfort.

As you know, mum usually found physical relieve after a session of kuat-sar traditional massage but this time, there was only temporary relieve and after a day or two, she would feel uncomfortable again. This called for more frequent kuat-sar treatments and when mum was not feeling better, it made me more worried.

A meaningful message scribbled 
 inside a card to us...

When mum finally agreed to consult the physician, an appointment was fixed for the afternoon of Nov 5. But on that very morning, her symptoms were so scary that Ruby and I did not hesitate to rush mum to the Emergency Room.

Thankfully, mum’s hospital-stay from Nov 5 to 9 with the doctor’s tests and treatments, yielded a positive result. By simply reducing the daily dosage in her regular prescriptions from the Government clinic, mum gradually recovered, and her breathing became normal again.

After her discharge from the hospital, Ruby stayed with us to lend a hand to help with managing mum because she was still physically weak after her ordeal.

On Nov 17, Ruby invited mum and I to move in to stay with her. Mum responded without hesitation, probably because she knew that I could no longer manage her alone and realized that Ruby and I could do better together.

Your pair of wedding rings!

The following weeks were a frenzy of sorting through things that were accumulated from some 43 years in this house. It was amazing how we managed to sort, sell, dump, keep or give away so many things!

We uncovered a treasure trove of wonderful memories not only from old stuff but also from the cards and letters received. The messages scribbled are a warm reminder of the values you have instilled in us and I remember how you enjoyed making music with your banjo-mandolin for our sing-along sessions.

While mum and I were going through her things, I saw your wedding rings and read the engraving within. I know you and mum did not wear your rings constantly because it was not part of your uniform and for mum, due to the nature of her work.

Ferrying mum and Trixie to our
new home on Dec 15, 2020

From time to time, I would talk to mum about the impending move so that we could internalize the thought and prepare ourselves physically, mentally, and emotionally. Mum had made a home with you and our family here, and we know that any change from a familiar place would be very traumatic.

On Dec 15, with the help of Charles and Siew Ying, Joy and Teck Hui, Ruby and I made the physical move happen without a hitch. All of us, including Trixie, are gradually adjusting to the change, and settling down into a new routine in the new place.

Incidentally, Amanda has relocated to Johor Baru to start her career with an international school here. On Dec 31, we shifted the final large item to her place. From the documents inside the piano stool, we know you will like her to have your piano!

Then on Jan 11, Day 300 of the CMCO, the Prime Minister announced that, in a further attempt to break the chain of infection, Johor will go into lockdown again for two weeks from Jan 13 to 26 under MCO 2.0. So once again, we are staying home to stay safe.

Removing the last large item: your piano!

By the way Di, we can no longer mark your departure with a meal at Niniq because this popular café had no alternative but to close, along with many businesses affected by the lockdown due to the global pandemic.

A great deal has changed in the past few months, but something remains unchanged. Mum will always be loved and well taken care of. And now she is blessed with two daughters and one grand-daughter close to her. 

We love and miss you so much, Di.